My Lifetime Story in the making

This blog is a reflection of me and my thoughts, but I rarely showcase them but tonight you are in for a treat. There’s things that saddens me but I try to smile and not think about it. The main thing that upset’s me is my mother’s health, having only one parent can make you really paranoid. I lost my father when I was around 6 or 7? I don’t remember but it was before I was 10. I was close and not too close to him if that makes sense. I was around my mother more because he was sick, but I loved him. My parents were married which is rare these days and I had a good childhood. I was spoiled basically and still am. When my father passed it change things but surprising enough as the years went by my father kind of became an after thought. I missed him but I knew I would see him again and I still had my mother who was the parent I was close to the most. But know that my mother is sick I get flashbacks about what happen to my father. I just can’t afford to lose both parents. We argue sometimes (not like that we have a good relationship) but I notice I get upset faster because of her health I can’t deal with it I guess, She said something to me that ticked me off last night and I almost got banned from the computer but like I said I’m spoiled and I know how to do things to reverse it LOL. She’s my mom I try to be respectful but I’m not the type to just allow you to say something to me that I feel is not correct and stay shut. I have a mouth and it can be a problem it doesn’t matter if we are related or not. I was never really like that until I got older I guess it was how I dealt with people in general (in school) because of those experiences I grown to not like people and just well I’m depressed so I’m waiting to blow.. I’m 23 and wish I had a job I really don’t want to be bother with a ailing mother and 3 adopted sisters but that’s my life at the moment. But I get what I want as far as material things but I would like to have my own money. My life is not a lifetime movie there are people who have it way worse than me but I guess I got emo over the years I blame my family members, Since I was a kid the only thing I heard from them is come back to Baltimore come back home to my mother. Like I didn’t matter It’s not my fault I was born in the Bronx and never became close to any of you. I don’t like it there and I tolerate them for my mother. Maybe that makes me weird because I don’t want a relationship with them but it is what it is. Last year when I visited them my grandmother said to me I would hate for your mom to have died I’m like thanks grandma for making me more depressed. And she asks me how long as your father been dead you think I’m actually counting down the years? Smh. They would really like force me to want to be there with them and I understand all my mom’s family is there and they want her to be there with them but no New York is all I know I’m not going to change for you. I’m never myself around them I’m quiet and won’t talk really and that’s not me but I used to be quiet and still am when I’m meeting someone new. I have to feel you out before I start talking and I been feeling them out for years and it’s weird really mental , it’s really a boring place the only good thing about Baltimore is the malls and the food but that’s it. It will kill me literarily if something happen to my mother and I had to go there. I’m at the age where I don’t have to go there but I have 3 adopted sisters and most likely they will live with one of my relatives and they all I know. When I hit 26 then I would have a lifetime story I guess but so far this is my story. This will be the last time I’ll share something this personal I know it’s my blog but I like to keep it upbeat. Don’t say I never got deep.